omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
