My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
