Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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