Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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