1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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