i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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