she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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