I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
