I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
