My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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