I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
