Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
