Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
