This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
