You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
