Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
