last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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