after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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