her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
