Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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