the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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