Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize