i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
