can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
