Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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