I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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