Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
