I think my fart just growled at me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
