and you said cock pushups were impossible
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
