nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
