he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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