9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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