A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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