there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
