I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
