Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
