i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
