If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
