My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you win again, gameday.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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