it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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