You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
