thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
