I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
