He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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