He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
