o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
