my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
