Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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