dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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