Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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