also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
