I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
