Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
whose parrot is this?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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