i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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