Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
