A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
