Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
