I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
