I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
