oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
